Friday, July 08, 2005

Shake Ya Tail Feather

Once upon a time, I was an attractive person. Not in the drop-dead-knock-you-off-your-feet attractive, but a mildly attractive woman who was able to snag herself a nice young man to spend some time with. That young man, of course, was my husband and upon being married, I realized that no one’s head would be turning for me anymore because I was a married woman.

Despite my marriage, I still thought I could maybe turn a head or two, of a gross, not-so-attractive man, in a grocery store or the mall. I knew I still had a little bit of the “it” factor left- just barely, but I was still ticking away.

Upon having a child though, I have become invisible to the male population, which is fine with me. Instead of seeing who is looking at me, in the vain way that I used to do, I now look at other mommies with their kiddos in the carts. I also look at those young whippersnappers to see exactly what clothes are in style anymore. Those are the types of things that I look at. This only happens, of course, when I am not doing a tap dance for my son in the aisles to keep him entertained.

To illustrate my point on how rare it is that a man looks at me, I will share with you all my funny story of a little incident that happened to me at Walmart…..

Last summer, our family had been out for the evening and we came home to our dark house to get ready for our nightly routine. When we flipped on the light in the kitchen, however, we found ourselves with a truly terrible problem. A problem that about flipped my little prissy heart out of my body….we had ants. Little tiny baby ants had somehow crawled through our window and were now trying to make a home in my kitchen. Well, I freaked out (just a little bit) about these stupid ants and started pouring salt all over our kitchen amid my sobs about how we were such clean people, how do these things happen to us, and a few curse words here and there. My husband just kept looking at me like I was crazy and then finally asked me what the purpose of the salt is….”To deter their sense of smell, until I can take care of this problem.” Let’s just say I felt a little bit taller after that because my husband thought I was the smartest woman alive as we watched the ants running around in a frantic circle. All I can say is that it sometimes DOES help you to read those stupid forwards people send you.

After pouring the salt, I headed over to Walmart to get some ant killer to spray all over our kitchen to rid ourselves of our pest problem. I grabbed the only type of indoor killing spray that they had and made a mad dash up to the cash register. Of course we are talking about WALMART here, so obviously I had to do a lot of waiting in line for my turn to get the heck out of there. While I waited, I people-watched and that is when I saw this guy looking at me. Considering I couldn’t even remember what I was wearing, I looked behind me to see who he was staring at….Yup, it was me! I started to gain back some of my old confidence in myself that had been lacking a little bit. I paid for my purchases and shook my tail feather all the way back to my car. All the while I am thinking, “OH YEAH! I still got it! I am still hot! I am not even TRYIN’ and this guy is looking at me.” I just couldn’t wait to run home and tell my husband just what a lucky man he was….that is when I flipped down the mirror just to take another look at my hot-self and I realized the humiliating truth. The truth that I can share with only a few people was…..I had black mascara trails running all down my face- I looked just like Tammy Faye Baker. I had mascara everywhere from my little prissy-soap-opera drama, which I apply to just about everything in my life, and that was why the guy was looking at me. Black streaks all down my pale face made me look like I was a goth-chick-wannabe- it was, to say the least, a teeny bit embarrassing.

Oh yes, my tail feather was between my legs when I arrived home to tackle those dang ants….all the while trying to chant to myself, “OH YEAH! I still got it! I am still hot!” as I spray the heck out of our kitchen.

Now how pathetic was THAT story??


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Thursday, July 07, 2005

Super Birthday

Today is Ethan's third birthday! I can hardly believe that he is that big!

This morning I was going to make some cinnamon rolls for him & put a candle in them, but discovered that I never had any cinnamon rolls in our fridge. Hmmm...wonder why I thought I had those? I decided instead to put his candle in his bagel with peanut butter. Heck, he's three! He could care less what I am putting the candle in because the candle is the most exciting part!

I brought his bagel down to him and he looked so precious in his Superman pj's (complete with cape), waiting very impatiently for breakfast to be served. I took a picture of him as he attempted to blow out the candle from six feet away. You can tell we have scared the crap out of him about fire- ha!

It is moments like these where I don't want him to get big. I know he is never going to be this little again and we will never celebrate another third birthday with him. Each year he will get bigger & is all so depressing. Why must our children grow up and need you less and less?

Please allow me to weep a little bit- I think my pregnancy hormones are making me a bit more sappy than usual....

Happy Birthday, precious boy!


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Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Stop the Insanity

Let me just say, before I begin my little ranting-mantra, that using the word s-u-c-k & the word mom brings some nasties to my blog & my website. From now on, I will not be using that word. Can ya believe that the most frequently found phrase when searching has been those two words together in my little MomAdvice reports? Come on, peeps, this is a FAMILY site, ya heard? I am just a mom with a bad vocabulary. I guess what I am trying to say is be very careful of what you say because you never know what keywords people will put together- lesson learned, ya'll.

Moving on to the real scoop on our family- we are in final preparations for mission impossible (aka- my son's third birthday party). Am I the ONLY one who thinks that birthday parties have gotten way out of hand, or what? Can I get an "Amen!"?? I mean, who exactly was the mom who started this whole party favor thing and why in the world would someone start doing that? It is a birthday party and that translates into the birthday kid getting the presents, not all of their friends, am I right?

Let's go back to the olden days when I walked uphill both ways to school, taught myself, and held (at least) two jobs....So.... back in those days, my birthday parties consisted of me, my family, and possibly one friend. I got to pick my favorite dinner dish and I got a couple of presents & a cake. Here are some examples of a few things that I did not get at my birthday party....

1. A clown, juggling man, mime, magician, or circus freak
2. A pony ride for each of my friends
3. A jumbo jumpee thing-a-ma-bob
4. A gazillion presents
5. Party favors for everyone who attended

I didn't have any of those things and, ironically, my birthday was still special and it was still my day! I would just like to talk to the yahoo who originated the idea of needing these types of things at a party because now I have now become part of this sick birthday cycle.....

Here is how the cycle works (in case you haven't gotten to be part of it)...Little Johnny invites Suzie to his birthday party. Suzie buys him a nice gift (in the ten dollar range) and comes to the amazing "Two Year Old Bash." This two year old bash involves a full orchestra, treats made for each individual child, and a goodie bag of more treats to take home.

Then Suzie has her birthday party and, because Little Johnny invited her to his birthday party, she invites him even though Suzie and her mom think Little Johnny is..well... a brat. So Little Johnny comes and brings a nice gift (in the fifty dollar range) and Suzie's mommy starts to panic. "Wait! We only gave Little Johnny a ten dollar gift!" Suzie's mom feels super-guilty, but proud because this year she has party favors for each child. In each child's bag is a few small trinkets and candy for each kid.

Little Johnny invites Suzie (because it is only fair!) to his annual birthday party the next year. Now Suzie's mom has to buy a fifty dollar gift (because it is only fair!) and Little Johnny's mom has to have even more fun trinkets and candy (because it is only fair!) in each child's goodie bag.

This scenario persists until Little Johnny's mom & Suzie's mom either end up having mental breakdowns or each kid ends up coming home with iPods and midsize SUV's.....

Do I make myself clear? This is just getting out of hand, people! Why do we all have to compete? Why can't we just love each other? Let's break the cycle! Let's stop the insanity! Let's say NO to party favors and all of this silliness....

Well, I must run though and work on wrapping my party favors for Ethan's party, but I swear this is the last year I am doing this, and no one has to compete with us anymore! We lose!! You win!!

The cycle is broken- you are released from giving my kid party favors....Can I get an, "Amen!"?


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