I have discovered that I have lost all of my motivation, to do basically anything, since I have been pregnant. I am supposedly in the honeymoon phase of my pregnancy (the second trimester) and I can’t seem to complete anything these days.
Part of it feels like I am lacking motivation, but the other part of me feels like I am trying to squeeze in as much time with Ethan as I can before he returns to school & before the next baby arrives.
Instead of running him all over town, we have just been hanging out at the house and I have been doing absolutely nothing. Our home has been in poor condition, our meals have been lacking that certain sparkle that I am so famous for, and my calendar has been cleared of all my obligations.
I am so excited about having another baby, but I am also a little bit scared too. We have wanted this baby for so long, but now that it is finally happening, I seem to be getting a little bit of the jitters.
When it was just the two of us (my husband & I) I couldn’t imagine how we were ever going to have enough love/time/devotion to add one more person to the mix. Then Ethan arrived and we realized that we did have all of those things to offer him.
Now we have given Ethan all of our love/time/devotion and I can’t imagine how I will ever have enough of that to give to one more person. I suppose that my heart has the capacity to do this though since people have more children than us, but it just seems very mind-blowing that I will be able to divide my love/time/devotion evenly between two children.
I remember asking my mom over and over and over again which of us she loved more. She always told me that she loved us equally and every time she said this to me, I always thought that she was harboring a secret special love that was extra and just for me. I couldn’t imagine that, of the three of us kids, that she could equally distribute her love. She never told me if she had a favorite among us, but always claimed that she loved each of us the same. Then I would ask her if she loved me more than my dad and this would be answered with the statement of it being a different kind of love and yada yada, but I still thought she was storing some dark secret of loving one of us the best of all.
I wonder if my kids will be asking me this someday and wondering the same thing when I answer them with the same answers my mother gave me. History does have a way of repeating itself, and I can picture me telling my children this same exact thing…..and I have feeling that they won’t believe me either!
Well, I may be lacking motivation these days, but I am not lacking love/time/devotion for my son and I guess that is all that matters.